As we move into our last week of the Hara Immersion I wanted to encourage you all to continue to explore the counters of your most intimate experience in the domain of the Hara. ( Of course you can and may also enjoy exploring this for the rest of your life!)
Spend time just sinking your attention into the space deep behind and slightly below the navel. Allowing your breath to deepen here by taking slow full breaths into your belly.
Continue to ask the question as often as you like, “Do i feel connected to myself right now?” As you go about the normal activities of your day.
If yes, wonderful, enjoy the simple pleasure of your presence, here and now. Drink in and enjoy the FEELING of being connected to you. Notice what connection feels like. Generally there is a quiet spaciousness. A grounded sensation thats rests and settles into the gravity of this moment. Accompanied by the gentle warmth of your own presence. Simply being here, relaxed in your own skin as apposed to be being caught up in the speed and noise of the mental/emotional body’s to-do lists of “whats next”.
Often in this space of simply being in your natural birthright of connection, creativity or inspiration naturally arises. If so, allow yourself to follow it. Give yourself even more permission to follow your guidance by leaning in with curiosity. Perhaps it is the art piece you have wanted to start. Or that piece of music you are learning or that garden that you love to hang out in that you know needs tending. Or a line for a new song or poem… let yourself catch the wave and ride it.
Perhaps the tender alive edge in your life right now is about giving yourself even more permission to receive and enjoy your moment. To HAVE what you want. To HAVE, and to hold, sacred you.
Of course, if when you ask this same question, “Do I feel connected to myself right now?” and the felt sense answer is, “not so much”. You may notice instead feelings of disconnection which can show up as: exhaustion, numbness, fragmented dissonant thoughts, feelings and body sensations. Mental and emotional looping or being prone to distraction. An underlying feeling of discontent or dis-ease that may be a familiar feeling you tend to run from. Simply because you have not discovered yet, that who you truly are is more powerful than this inclination or habit.
Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron calls this, Hot Loneliness. This underlaying state is an accumulation of avoided moments of intimacy with simply feeling honestly in present time. The tangible summation of the many moments of leaving our direct experience. We leave our present moment experience though judgement. We leave through righteous anger. We leave through distraction. We leave through future projection fantasies. We leave through rumination upon the past. We especially leave through seeking resolution for all of the above. By trying to fix, figure out or otherwise change ourselves. The list of our preferred version of ‘leaving’ goes on and on…
‘Leaving’ is essentially our particular versions of self- abandonment. So we may have a back-log of unmet, un-felt and dis-owned needs and impulses that we have simply not been honest about and therefor allowed the energy to move through our hearts such that it can flow as life-force energy. These moments of chronic ‘leaving’ end up creating an inner world of abandoned lost hungry inner children— which lands in our experience as our chronically unwanted feelings of deficiency, lack, neediness and therefor often entitlement.
For some of us, who are relatively ‘caught up with ourselves’ and able to stay current, we may have a few days worth of suppression that we felt was necessary to stay on track for time commitments. In this case, you may simply need to drop into some somatic practices such as yoga or the ways in which we have been engaging through versions of Core Embodiment to allow a return to your breath, to your sensations and to yourself. In this way, the return to your natural rhythms and your wisdom body may emerge quite quickly and your are here once again. Wah-la!
Or for many of us, it could be a life time of chronic suppression. And so our loneliness and unconscious fear of loss down in the belly, may feel very HOT! Too hot to touch! So we have to go very slowly. Touching in little by little, breath by breath, kind loving touch, by kind loving touch and slowly over time, we cool down. We discover that we can relax in here and we can stay longer more often. Small moments of true contact over time, grow a bigger capacity for staying and discovering our true seat of relaxed power. In this way, slowly what felt so deficient, can grow a new found potency of life force.
Or perhaps for some of us, it has been months or years of suppression due to an overwhelming incident or shock trauma that you simply had to survive. You may have not caught up with yourself yet. The incident is over and yet you —your life force is still there, locked up, frozen in time. And so it can feel very frightening to lean in towards your particular unfelt, unmet needs and feelings, which in this case may need to have a biological expression or completion. Meaning the space for your body to express and unwind the shock. You may be ‘holding everything together’ very tightly as you fear that you will be overwhelmed with grief or terror or rage if you were to let go.
Either way, when the suppression of honest feeling in relation to self has gone on such that it has now become a strong habit, this leads to what can feel like a dense wall that seems insurmountable to penetrate with loving awareness.
So we come to sit on our mediation cushion or to our somatic dive space, all excited to meet ourselves. We are committed to coming home to who we truly are. And then boom. We bump straight into our inner wall. A wall comprised of unmet needs, frustrations, discomforts, losses, fears and thousands of complaints from our inner abandoned children.
So when you feel this… even a moment of feeling and acknowledging this discomfort and the inherent tension to it and you choose to stay; this is already a profound pattern interruption if you are accustomed to leaving every time to feel your inner wall.
I guarantee you, that in a moment of purely staying with yourself, there will be a response from within. As if in choosing to stay, your inner presence also chooses to encompass you.
If you are feeling particularly brave and you want to lean in some more and ask the intimate question, “what do I need right now?” This alone can be a game changer! It is such a truly compassionate inquiry. If you want to stay and linger and listen even longer… this is true love.
Now, you have stayed with you in an honest intimate repartee and you’ll notice that things start to cool down. The ‘hot loneliness’ is starting to have some company now.
If your system responds with a reply, by all means follow it. It may be as simple as, I need some water or I need to take a walk or a nap or a break from the computer. Or I need to roll around on the floor and make sounds and wild faces! Or I need a hug or some time to simply pause and breath with myself. Or perhaps there is a communication that I need to make. Our needs are the biological language of our souls in real time.
Or perhaps there is nothing you need other than this, this staying right here, giving yourself what you always wanted. By way of attuning to precious you, the true company of your presence cools the hot loneliness.
Our Core Embodiment practice spaces are designed to take you out of the head and into the living felt, fecund, sensual terrain of your feeling body of direct experience. Little by little as you stay with you, through breath and the feeling intimacy of “not knowing” – but simply allowing your experience to have space, the more the exquisite true nature of your needs being met will unfold naturally on the spot. Much of our intimacy needs can be met with ourselves. Your touch — feeling you in your touch. Your sounds — feeling you in your sounds. This is Wise Loneliness. This is the way that the wall, no matter how big or small will start to melt. The life-force that may have once felt so dense and hard, will start to thaw and flow back through your channels as vitality, clarity and true strength. Remember the missing ingredient to this alchemy is often the warmth of our own love. This is where loneliness starts to become, all – one- ness.
Lastly, I would just like to say that if you choose to leave your practice in any moment- know that you free of course to do that! All I want to suggest is to make it conscious. Say out loud, “I am choosing to complete my practice right now.” And name for yourself, what ever it is that you are choosing. Even if you are leaving to go be distracted by something on your social media feed for example … say out loud, “ I am choosing to go be distracted.” See if you can choose whatever it is with love, with pleasure and with the awareness that yes, this IS what I am choosing right now. Then be all in. Be whole-hearted about sweeping the floor or answering an email or scrolling your SM feed. There is truly nothing that is not holy, when we are here fully to receive ourselves in this already holy moment. I suggest you choose wisely. Meaning your fulfillment will be derived more so, when you choose to be ALL IN. Even if what alive in your experience is feeling divided— can you be all in and stay intimate with even this? Before you know it, it will transform into something else… This is the ever expanding intimate embrace of your true nature. The more you exercise this muscle, the stronger it grows.
Let me know how it’s going… What are you discovering in your inner love lab- AKA as your beautiful life?!