Hello! I wanted to clarify what I am often referring to as True Intimacy as well as my essential invitation. I have hesitated to write what I am about to write. And I must! You see, I have often gotten the feedback in my life that my presence is “intimidating”. Whenever I hear that- I am dumbfounded. First of all, because on the inside, I feel like the biggest goof ball geek who is just as insecure and preciously human as anyone, doing my best to navigate the great unknown frontier as best as I am humbly able. I’m working and walking with faith, trust and keen listening. I just happen to be in love with God- (most of the time☺ ) how could that be so intimidating?
Second of all- (still speaking to the dumbfounded part) because I don’t want to be intimidating- I don’t want my love to feel somehow threatening to people. On the contrary, my love, my wobbling, goofball, psychobiology geeky-ness, God loving quivering incarnational process is actually an invitation. Not a threat. So I thought I would take the liberty of just naming this out loud to whomever is listening in God’s choir of FB right now. My only intention is to feel more comfortable to express myself, my aliveness, my soul on FB or anywhere. So thank you for providing the mysterious company and sanctuary to do so.
So, my Love is an invitation… to what?
This is how I see it, as best as I can wrap words around “it”:
There is an alchemical process of embodying or gradually incarnating all of who we are. This alchemical process involves learning how to embrace all that is felt through the heart, the bones, the blood, the brain, the hands, the belly, the mind, the genitals and the soul. This process calls our “essence” down into the holy flesh and mystery of being human. Every cell is awake and alive, quivering with the sentient majesty of its capacity to FEEL. Every moment is an opportunity to listen, to breathe into our felt experience and discover what is truly alive within us that innocently desires to express itself. This pure expression allows for our greatest fulfillment and joy in being alive. We are all growing our capacity to expand and contain more of this life giving substance that is the truth of who we are.
There is a parable from Jesus that says, “But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” (Jesus has been coming up strong again lately- though I am not a Christian per se- but I love the power of this parable).
How do we recognize what is most alive within us and how do we allow that to come forth? How do we cross that tenuous bridge between mental concept and our fantasy world into a fully lived and embodied reality? How do we tend to these precious shadow parts that appear around every corner as we turn towards embodying the light and power of our hearts truest and deepest desires? As long as I can remember, my hearts deepest desire has been to experience my potential – to know God, to be God, and to love God as this very body within this very human life.
My ambitions were never of this world, nor did I feel particularly at home here. This burning desire to understand why I am here, took me on a deep journey into my own ongoing living laboratory. My deepest inquiry: how to allow all that was longed for to be met, right here, within the full embrace of my own humanity. To not bypass the pain, the grief, the losses, all that I could not control or manage, became the very crucible of my embodiment process. I died many deaths in that laboratory, and continue to burn through so many false perceptions and identifications as the ongoing revelation of who I am- being an unknowable fluid process, a verb, not a noun.
Recently I completed a 2 -year NARM Training (that’s Neuroaffective Relational Model- and it pertains to resolving developmental trauma). So much came together me for through this training. One little piece that I would love to share that I know is relevant to most everyone. One little piece that I have seen so many people, no matter how enlightened they are or how successful their lives appear- there is this one little lynchpin, that drives everyone’s behavior in the most insidious way. What could it be?
To pick up the parable from Jesus, where he says, “But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
What do you suppose is ever in the way for each of us in terms of expressing what is most alive within?
You see we all came in as little beings that were completely dependent on our caregivers to survive. Out attachment bond was our lifeline on a fundamental psychobiological level. So any expression of our aliveness (anger, protest, sadness, joy, etc) that at all felt like a threat to the attachment bond would be foreclosed. Any threat to the attachment bond could potentially mean death. Often to survive, meant to self- betray. So for many of us, this is our unconscious baseline and relationship to being in a body.
In a nutshell- I finally came to understand over so many years of working with people and my own process as well- the answer to this question as to why it was so often that when a simple, heightened expression of aliveness/truth/expansion would come about- it would be followed by a recoil, collapse or foreclosure again of the life-force. A distorted plugging back into the “comfort zone” of the old pattern, i.e. addiction, self-betrayal, unhealthy relationship, anxiety, fear of loss, etc…
The moment the aliveness would rise- it would signal the old survival circuitry to fire its alarms to make sure everything is safe (familiar) again. You see, even though we are “adults”, most of us are walking around seeing everything in the material plane through the eyes of our child- “mom” & “dad” –now expressed as all form and the misplaced source of our survival. We are swimming in “object relations”, rather then direct intimacy with the True Source behind all forms.
Remember, intimacy with our True Source, is equated with death.
I see folks in my practice in their 50’s 60’s even 70’s still struggling with this dynamic. The longer it goes on, obviously the more weary we can become and there is a sense of the poverty of this place actually now threatening to destroy our very lives from the most personal to Macro levels. Underneath the attachment bond and right there in the chalice of the fear of death is the place of awakening to a deeper intimacy with God or our Eternal Nature. It is the lynchpin where we can transmute the survival circuitry/chemistry of fear into the only substance that can power- fortify and ultimately allow us to transmute this endless cycle.
It is the substance of love, the life giving nectar and nourishment that we must all learn how to access and serve up on a golden platter to our innocent inner children (and survival brain centers) who have been starved and cut off for far too long. All of my offerings to you- myself-Life- are devoted to creating a safe field of consciousness where we can directly discover the “salvation” of our own inner apothecary (the higher brain centers- connected to the heart)
I am learning as we all are, how to relax into direct, feeling relationship with that which is awake, aware, and trustworthy at the very core of being and allow this presence/this substance to permeate ALL of my actions, choices and relationships
The primary place of discovery for this is through the Heart itself. As we come home to the Heart, and the Love current becomes more and more conscious and activated, naturally this intelligence relaxes and takes residence within the entire Midline Core. This is the tangible and fundamental place of awareness in the subtle, core, central channel of the body that was the initial fulcrum from which we are each formed in the womb. When we remember the center our awareness here, we discover a natural alchemy that is already occurring. This presence of Love is already transmuting and transforming the base metals (whatever we have rejected and experience as heavy and unwanted.) All of our fears, doubts, insecurities, discomfort and painful perceptions that we tend to avoid directly feeling, otherwise known as “our unconscious shadow,” can be alchemized. We need only enter in by bringing our attention here and allowing awareness to rest in its most natural seat
For myself, I am in the process of a daily discovery that what we call “body” and “soul” are ultimately one essence of Love that is an ancient intelligence, inherently stitched and woven into the heartbeat of every living thing. This intelligence knows that we all have the same Momma and Papa. It knows that we all belong to the same mysterious universe that is Home. It knows that we already are that which we seek. It just asks us to be truly intimate with the lifeblood that is coursing through our veins night and day and to honor this wisdom
This alchemical process can be a messy majesty and at times it will challenge everything that you are made of. It will ask you to surrender every foothold you think you stand on. It will break your heart and empty it of its contents over and over again – only to reveal the indestructible nature of your true heart. It will not necessarily give you anything that this modern culture deems of value. However, inherent within the quest, there is the possibility of realizing the only true fulfillment that can ever be discovered — that is the gold of your embodied soul, the voice of Love. The voice you can truly trust; the guidance you can wisely follow. In these passages of life and death and all of the uncertainties that we face along the way, ultimately is there anything else we truly Belong to?
Experience tells me that most humans do not know how to step through this habitual and unconscious avoidance of intimacy without some sense of a loving holding ground. We are not born with an instruction manual on how to meet this pain of our original separation ( loss of contact with Gods Love from inside) directly. In fact, most of us are born into a cultural morphogenetic field designed to fragment and pull us away from our life-sustaining core. We are then vulnerable to believing the voices of doubt, insecurity and fear that constrict our potential and limit our expression.
It is our Birthright to thrive inside of this embrace of belonging and connection with our planet, with our own bodies, one another and all that lives and breathes in this seamless wholeness of existence. We find this relationship by being honest and vulnerable, empowered through our senses and connected to our core. We can then discover what it is to take our royal seat in the Majesty that is the Miracle of Life.
If you made it this far to the end of my many words… thank you for receiving me. I am here, for and with you.
Please reach out if you are curious to see what holding another human hand might feel like as we all walk ourselves Home. I love you.