Trust in Our Belonging
Saturday AM: I am driving to my favorite hot springs for the weekend to meet up with my beloved “bestie” and for some very much needed space to pray, feel and be with myself. Listening to a podcast on the way called the Wisdom of Anxiety, where it was posited that the three main subjects that tend to produce anxiety for us humans are health, finances and relationships. With the fear of death, underlying all of those, of course. I sighed a deep sigh of relief hearing that named, as all three of those categories have been key players in constricting the beat of my heart. I was listening in because I have spent many a morning dreaming and then waking in the uncomfortable grips of anxiety over the last number of months. I have experienced the wisdom available here if I can drop into it and not just be run by it, that is. Such was the blessing on this day to be heading to my favorite place to drop in.
Saturday Afternoon: As I was doing hot and cold plunges and meditating into the tension in my body, I sat with the inquiry as to what was really underneath the symptoms of my “anxiety” related to health issues, my financial issues as well as my familiar struggles in committed relationship. When it struck me that all of these are connected to the deeper subject of Trust. Trust in God, in Life, in myself, in others and ultimately a trust in my Belonging.
Trust in all of these relationships is fundamental to thriving. I have always had a rather innocent Trust in all of the above most of my life. Yet, here I am.
Tears of relief began to roll down my cheeks as my heart loosened its grip and my belly began to soften. My core began to unwind and empty itself of the recent narratives I had been telling myself. I set down the gripping anxious “help me prayers” of detailed imagined solutions. I saw each toxic decree of self-imposed responsibility that I perceived myself to be flailing and failing at. I felt the contents of the layers and labyrinths of how I had not lived up to my own expectations. The pain of how I have tried harder, strived more, risked everything not just once, but many times. Despite how earnest, sincere and pure my hearts motives truly are behind all of the striving; misperceived failure would be my fortune and my fate to meet in this moment.
But I am not unique and I share this little snap shot vulnerably because, I like you – wish for perfect health, perfect livelihood and perfect relations. It’s pretty simple actually.
And yet our culture and the current zeitgeist do not appear to be so simple. My bestie and I commiserated about the struggles of being entrepreneurs, tachers and authors in a growing complex of cultural entrapments. Cracking the code on the three great fortunes I mentioned above within the ‘techno- social media gotta have a platform, grow your funnel grind- perform-succeed-make an impact-be inspiring, find your problem to address- be the solution to the problem; problem”- isn’t easy! Especially when you spent most of your life, as we did, committed to the psycho/spiritual practices to liberate the roots under all “perceived problems.”
Her and I left the victimhood camp and entered the self-accountability camp along time ago… So we know that there is not in actuality any power of blame to give to the apparent zeitgeist of our times. It is just doing its job as the perfect illusion of Maya, as it always has. The most perfect stage for each of our individual and collective awakening. God is truly impressive and does not miss a beat in this intricate conspiring to bring each of us home to our true power of how we perceive and what we give our attention to.
I began to sense into where I left trusting in God and bought into this illusion, which begets the even deeper illusion of “ I am in control”. Maybe for some people this works. But for me, buying into control is exactly where I stopped truly founding my trust in God and precisely that which lead to distrusting in myself.
Ouch. More tears to welcome the return to innocence; seeing and feeling a deeper truth. I love you, God. I love myself. I love Life. I never actually left this trust. I just needed to be honest about where I turned away and chose to learn about what not trusting feels like.
A digression: Recently I re-listened to an Astro-cartography reading in which it was pointed out to me over 3 years ago now that all of California and the bay area for sure are my Saturn line. Which essentially means I get a D- for living here. I began to question again if some of my fundamental challenges are location related??
Again, I don’t want to give my power away to this- but then, what if it’s true? I left 3 years ago and tried to live in Hawaii in part for this reason. But the bay area has been my home, where my beloveds are near and dear as well as my family. It’s hard for my attachment system to leave this place. Ok- so there is that question that I live with. But deeper still, I began to get very honest about my essential Trust in Belonging that has nothing to do with location, or health or finances. What do I belong to beyond all temporal conditions? Even though I “know” that my belonging is unconditional. I know that I belong here, because I am here. Implantation happened. Pregnancy happened. Birth transpired. Development and evolution continues. I am a part of the eco-system of now. But can I feel my place here, within this disillusionment? Can I offer to myself the quality of unconditional presence that I offer to so many others?
Can I belong to the simplicity of Life that is Love as my name reminds me in its meaning?
More hot’s and colds and sitting in prayer with Quan Yin. She “tells me” in her Quan Yin way, to relax and to soften in. Breath by breath, the apparent divide dissolves. It becomes so obvious that my struggles are only here to serve this deepening into the pure longing from which true prayer arises. The prayer to belong to my Life; this very life as it is and as I am. Not some imagined life. Not some future life when everything goes my way. Not someone else’s life I compare mine to.
The longing that can only arise within the deep confrontations which life discernments bring us to. There are so many choices that require discernment and a deep abiding Trust, no matter what, that I got me. Life is unfolding, me. God has me. And yes -the ones that I entrust to have my back. I am truly blessed.
Sunday afternoon, 24 hours later, as I drove out of Harbin, feeling my vows renewed once again and with a grateful, full heart for this land, and this time to be timeless. Feeling the sunlight dancing in the turning green into gold grasses and the warm wind in the trees, it was as if I remembered Life here on Earth, before there was a cell phone or a FB page, or a funnel or all of the made up things that we now say matter. Just my soul, sweetly and innocently here with momma nature, grateful to be alive and to feel my innate belonging to this mysterious unknowable existence.
And then… to top it off, I began to listen to a podcast (Thank you technology!) that my bestie recommended to me on the way home. And I found myself inspired for the first time in a long time by an offering that I could relate to and genuinely learn from. I drove home inspired to engage this moments meme from a place that is relevant to my heart as well as to the needs of our culture.
Stay tuned…Coming soon to a theater near you…